I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”