I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best