I dunno why but this feels like a trap
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Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.