I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on