I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.