I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
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Most fashion shows these days…
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.