I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*