i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom