I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
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Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
A new level of troll.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.