I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
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It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
“I FIXED IT!”
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
pain
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Seems kinda suspicious
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
No, YOUR illiterate.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?