I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
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“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Coffee is ready.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
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me and who
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
No laws when master is gone
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years