I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
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Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
True statement👍😏😁
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator