i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you