I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
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Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life