I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
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[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
You had me at “define legal”.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Doggies just call it style.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Ken is short for chicken
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class