I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
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ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer