I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
The news
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”