I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You Might Also Like
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I already tried new things thanks.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”