I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
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Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast