@NYC_Blonde

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

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@OllyiConic

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

@daemonic3

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

@FlyoverJoel

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

@UnimpressedWU

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

@PJTLynch

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

@ObKeeng

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

@_blotty

[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys

@rn_murse

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

@caithuls

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs