@NYC_Blonde

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

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@junejuly12

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

@Anniewritess

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

@junejuly12

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

@PaperWash

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

@djdarrellripley

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

@brendohare

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

@JustBeingEmma

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

@KyleMcDowell86

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF