I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
You Might Also Like
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*Seductively hides in the woods
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.