I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
*looks at you in batman voice*
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
is this store having a stroke wtf
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.