“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I can fix him.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.