I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
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Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Worth remembering.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang