I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.