Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Cheeseboy22

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

@slotjunkierose

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@mrtruthandsoul

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

@felixoshea

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

@DamienFahey

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

@DudeMass

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

@TomItUp

“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”

@DirtyMelodies

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

@UluwatuSiap

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.