I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug


If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok


When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.


“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.


Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…


The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus


What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?



I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.


TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…