I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please