@SunnyGirl1717

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

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@Kim_pulsive

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

@sixfootcandy

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

@impaulmccoy

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

@Thateverydayguy

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

@QwertyJones3

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

@Smethanie

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

@TheBoydP

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…