i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
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*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.