I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.