I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”