I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
oppen heimer style lol
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year