I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.