I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly