i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.