I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too