I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
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People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.