I falcon love using swear birds
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Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂