I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
thinking about a very short hotdog
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Breaking news:
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
can’t catch a break
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight