I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..