I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My what?
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.