Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I fall in love too easily.
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”
*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.