I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
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I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
*lint rolls you awake*
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.