@ShittyComedian When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
@GregDorris I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
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@ShittyComedian 
@MichaelTrying “Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
@theevilwriter HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
@CatJacquesESPN Cake safety first. Always.
@Sanbel11 Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
@causticbob My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
@Sinj1 #ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
@snatch_stache Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
@SondraDeeMe It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
@DanMentos “So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*