I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
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Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
a public service announcement
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?