I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.