I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Finally, a door that understands me
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-