I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
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I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.