I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Before crowbars crows drank alone
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs