I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

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Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!


“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”


if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity


Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go


Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.


Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.


Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.


Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol


*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.


He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.