I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
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Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.