I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
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#damn
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”