I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.