I feel attacked.
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Planet of the Apps.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
real
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”