I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
You Might Also Like
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
drew a comic about my origin story
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what