I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
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Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on